| For No One |
[08 Sep 2009|04:27pm] |
Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you
She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead
You think she needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him
Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
|
|
| Internship |
[06 Nov 2008|01:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Phantom of the Opera - Music of the Night |
] |
The Presidential elections. I still feel as though I had to choose between the lesser of two evils. However, I enjoyed this part of Obama's victory speech:
"Our campaign... grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy" ~ Barack Obama
LOL at Firefox spell-check still finding error with the name 'Barack Obama'.
Anyways...
Of course, this entry need be created during a time of great procrastination. I've been meaning to update about all the interesting things that have been going on but there never really seems to be time nor willingness to do so. Of course, two cups of coffee past the midnight hour provides just the right amount of juice to make me believe that I can get my work done as well as to update.
My classes this quarter are pretty strenuous and uninteresting, though I would have thought they would have been somehow. I am currently taking German 2A, Philosophy of Psychology, Philosophy: Morals and Ethics, and Education: Adolescent Development. All of the classes are kicking my butt either by having way too much content or having way too little to peak my interests. This is very interesting as I have a presentation tomorrow for my Education class in which we speak on Amotivation, being that value placed the content is the biggest reason for lack of motivation.
Other than school though, things have been good. I am pretty happy with how things are and my living situation is good. Also, I interviewed for an internship as a career developer at a non-profit called Working Wardrobesand apparently, I start this coming Wednesday. It is non-paying, which is not so great, but I feel like it is finally a head start on some kind of serious career. I am looking forward to learning to deal with new things but at the same time nervous because I will be out of my comfort zone. What I expect to get out of it is whether or not I would truly be interested in non-profits or maybe going into other routes. If anything, it will give me better experiences and more to say on my resume than Jamba Juice. Plus, I've always wondered how I could help out those who haven't had the same opportunities and chances that I've had growing up. That was the reason for me wanting to teach in the first place as I believe there are certain parts of the state/world/country that lack want of learning and ill-conceived understanding of what schools should provide.
Anyhow, I really should get back to my paper and midterm studying. Contact me if you want to know more as I'm sure there are things that I don't mention. Plus, it is good to hear from old friends every once in a while even though I've been slacking on the contacting in the first place. Be thinkin' of you friends and till next procrastination time, keep it classy!
|
|
| pew pew |
[30 Aug 2008|05:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Death Cab For a Cutie - A Lack of Color |
] |
A daily regiment. Stretching first with my arms behind my back and then my arms up top. "What good are muscles if you can't move them?" one of my p.e. teachers used to say. The arms up top then move backwards and bend the rest of the body back and the familiar pop of bones in the chest area resonates throughout my nerves. It is a good feeling. Then the dropping of the arms down to the feet, stretching the back of knees. The pain is relaxing. Then the reaching up and starting over again, four more times. After comes the push-ups, then the sit-ups, and leg stretching... all the while attempting to breathe in a constant manner, sweat protruding from different parts of the body. This means that work is being done. "The body feels amazing after a good warm-up" another instructor once stated, which I tend to believe. Yet, I have no way of proving such things but perhaps I have accepted it despite my swallowing of the placebo. If it is beneficial, then does it really matter if it doesn't work as described via medical science? That statement can definitely be contested.
The shoes go on over the socks which go on over the foot and so on. The body is warm and needs an outlet so thus the lock in unturned and the door swing open to to the breeze of a cool pre-evening wind. Only a fool would start jogging. Such would lead to a number of bad things such as pulled muscles, sore joints, poor breathing, and worse: the decreased amount of distance one would be able to run. So I walk out to the street, familiarizing myself to the asphalt underneath me, wondering whether one day the plants would once again take over so that I may run easier on the dirt. Of course, whether or not I nor other humans would be around once that comes about is up to the passage of time. The muscles behind the shins begin to accept the strain of perpetual increase in motion and anticipates the next. A manhole cover, a perfect marker to mark the start of the run. And we are off, one leg after the other. Breathing. Increases. Pace. Starts. To. Come. To.Get.her. Rhythm. Breath out out in, out out in, out out in.
The lungs expand and contract. Muscles tighten and loosen. Sweat droplets appear and are shrugged off. The burning and the heat increases. A tree. Breathing becomes tiring. Leg muscles ache. A lamppost. Just need to make it around this park. The sewer smells. Distract yourself from the pain. She's in my thoughts again. Focus on the pain. It hurts. Just keep going. Just keep running. Breath becomes shorter. The baseball field. Keep going. The muscles are becoming used to the sensation of repetitive pain. Good pain. The road again. What are the legs anyways? They are just bloody stumps. The muscles in the thigh push again the bone which pushes again the rotating earth. Motion. Past the park, back towards the road. The lungs gasp, and sides ache, the grade steepens, things become hard. Must make it to the gate up ahead. Okay, now make it to the next lamppost. The numbing turns to quivering little sinews, fatigue sets in. Almost home. Almost home. The manhole. Must. Make. The. Manhole. Oh god. Oh god. Made it. The pained body reminds it's host of how it feels about itself. Dear lord. Flashes of white appear before the eyes, hopefully not erasing the world. The heart pounds on the chest, slowing down with every beat, sweat pours, and yet, the legs continue moving because sitting would make the muscles stiff. Warm up the car, take it out to the track, bring it back and let it cool down slowly. Sudden changes cause cold windshields to break from heated water, and it is only afterwords a fool understands the consequences of his mistakes. The light fades and the temperature has dropped but the body doesn't understand that. The heat from inside emanates, burning every inch of the body and warming all.
Stretching of the muscles comes into play. Tired. But good. What is the body good for if not used. Each pain provides a limit that need be surpassed. Every push-up deserves another, every stretch wants more time to see where it may go. This, is one way of meditating. A breath, and life continues.
|
|
| asdf |
[11 Aug 2008|10:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
If there is one great thing about anger, it is that it fuels my passion to do better in spite.
So go on world, anger me more. Let me become stronger.
|
|
| Half-way into the week of the half-quarter of school! |
[07 May 2008|11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Beatles - In My Life |
] |
Hello friends.
Anyone miss me? Probably not. I figure I should update every once in a while here as I don't often enough. I actually have another blog(I know what you're thinking, "OMG he's cheating on LJ with Blogger! That whore!" that's just not true.) called TheFiveCeas (CLICK ME!) which I am obviously shamelessly promoting. The difference between this journal and that blog is that alone. The latter is a blog with more statistical information about issues I think are important, and the former is a journal of my personal life, simple as that.
I just signed up for two courses at CCSF over the summer to try and get my AA degree and to actually do something over the summer instead of loafing about. It's a health education class and the other is some kind of fitness lab so that will be interesting. I also emailed the 826 writing workshop place about volunteering there and they said they would give me information as it comes so that is going to be pretty rockin'. I've also been contemplating purchasing and converting a disel vehicle to a bio-diesel vehicle but the plan hasn't been hashed out yet.
More than anything, I've been doing a lot of reading and procrastinating of reading. The reading load is pretty crazy with three philosophy courses and German to boot. Oh! I bought myself a little bonsai tree. It looks like its dying... but it was only 5 buckaroonies so yeah. I do miss ya'll back home but I'm afraid I haven't had much time to dwell upon that feeling as school takes up so much of my time. Mom gets upset that I don't call home often enough... which is true. Plus, I hear Winnie is leaving for the UK! Sorry I can't see you off crazy lady. Gonna miss you over the summer.
I'll end like I did in my previous journal entry by asking, how are you guys doing?
Bonsai! Plus a cool book of German poems by Friedrich Schiller from 1924! Bought it for a quarter!
|
|
| News from the Front. |
[05 Apr 2008|01:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ben Kweller - Lizzy |
] |
Hey ya'll. So first week has finally ended and I am only beginning to realize how much work I ahve in store for me this quarter. It has been a long time since I've (if ever) started pre-read reading because I don't think I can finish my other readings and assignment by this weekend. Hell, I still don't know if I can finish it by monday. So far though, I've been trying really hard so that perhaps my grades would be much more improved this quarter. Lets hope I can keep it up.
Nothing else has really happened lately but thats because I don't have much time to do anything really. I think bringing the DS to Irvine might not have been the smartest move in the world. I'm going crazy with Animal Crossing, changing the feng shui and cutting trees, fishing, bug catching and whatnot. Yes... I enjoy my fake in-game life... so what! Jerks...
This quarter, i'm taking the third quarter German class and es ist sehr schwierig and mein Professor ist strikt. But i'm really trying to learn the language, which is fun. I'm taking three philosophy classes as well this quarter, East Asian Confucianism, German Idealism, and Medieval Philosophy. It just means reading, reading, reading. My view on Confucius, Kant, and Augustine so far is not positive. Confucius is a boring moral dude, Kant is too technical and makes up words, and Augustine is full of himself. Let's hope I enjoy the education this quarter.
I figured that a post like mine is usually boring without some kind of picture so I'll add one at the end of this schpeal.
Oh, I started jogging again but not at the track in the gym cuz its just so damn circular. I've been running the path near where I live and it's interesting. The other day, I was running back and was pretty tired and saw this black mass of stuff on the ground in the distance in front of me. I thought it was hay or something and just kept running. As I got up to it, almost stepping on it, I realized the black mass of stuff was moving... It was a nest of bees that fell and literally more than a hundred bees were just squirming about, defending their home. A few started after me because I was pretty damn close to them and I RAN. I didn't think I had the energy left in me but damn, I ran like I was gonna get Surprise Buttsecks!tm
I'm fairly boring though, how are you guys doing?
|
|
| post-procrastination |
[21 Mar 2008|10:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ben Kweller - Lizzy |
] |
C.S. Peirce mentions four methods of satisfying doubts.
One is Tenacity.
"A man may go through life, systematically keeping out of view all that might cause a change in his opinions, and if he only succeeds - basing his method, as he does, on two fundamental psychological laws - I do not see what can be said against his doing so... He does not propose to himself to be rational, and, indeed, will often talk with scorn of man's weak and illusive reason."
This is one of the more unfavorable methods of dealing with doubts. The man is essentially a hermit in recluse, retarded in progression.
Sounds familiar.
|
|
| Procrastination never felt so good. |
[05 Feb 2008|01:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Corinne Bailey Rae - Seasons Change |
] |
If i'm measuring this correctly, I think I've had 2 - 2 1/2 cups of coffee right about now. Its been... a good long while since I've been off the stuff but I guess it's time to get right back on the saddle.
So, midterms are coming up! Ah, that explains the reason for the entry. Now, what is the purpose and intent of this particular piece of writing? Maybe a little bit on the deconstruction of foundationalism/structuralism?
So David Hume says that the assumptions and deductions we make from our experiences are not rational. So, if I were to jump into the air, my assumption would be that I would land right back on the ground in the same spot where I stood before the jump and that a small amount of time would have elapsed. Would I be right in making this assumption? Hume says no. If I jumped a thousand times, and the result was that I landed in the same spot every time, it would still not be rationally justified for me to assume that this was to happen EVERY time. It is not logical to assume something is true given positive evidence to support it. Yet, we continue to do it!
We take so many things to be so without the proper support for the foundation. Everything we know can only be known through experience and if that is so, then we know nothing! But we continue on!
We continue on. We are humans.
Does it even matter to us whether or not our structure has the strongest support? No. We continue on because we are humans. We continue because these are the things we think we know. We take our sciences to be correct, we take gravity to always keep us down to earth(pun intended), and we take most of our assumptions to be correct. This is how we are. Custom and habit.
If anything, it sounds just like Plato's story about finding the wisest person. The wisest person was Plato after all because he knew that he knew nothing.
One day, I'll jump and miss the ground. You'll see. Maybe. =)
|
|
|
[13 Jan 2008|09:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
listless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen |
] |
It seems that whenever I decide to write in this LJ, I am always in a situation where I am procrastinating from something. Of course, procrastination also seems to just happen when I have a pile of work to be done.
Yet, heres the strange thing... the first week of school just ended. If am going to procrastinate now when things are "easy", what is going to happen in the coming weeks? Bum bum bum...
Nothing really new happening in the front. I actually decide to take two pictures of my room for your viewing pleasure.
( room lolz )
This quarter will be pretty busy for me it seems. I am taking German 1B(fantastich!), Education 175(Foundations of Education... zzz), Philosophy: Epistomology (Theory of Knowledge), and Philosophy of Language. 17 units in total but I have about 30 pages of reading to do a day it seems =/ Not to mention I am thinking of doing that H.O.T. program again.
|
|
| irvine |
[25 Sep 2007|08:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thankful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chrono Trigger [OST] - The Brink of Time - Yasunori Mitsuda |
] |
I wrote the entry below on October 5th of last year.
***
So I am keeping this entry private because I wouldn't want anyone to react or deter me away from my goal. I am very nervous and excited about applying for school and there are three schools I am thinking about right now.
The one I want to get into thats #1 so far is UC Irvine because they are said to have a really great Philosophy department, yet its very unrealistic for me to get in given my current GPA. I could always stay in city college for one more year, but I really don't want to wait.
Choice # 2 right now is currently California State University: Northridge. They also have a top department in Philosophy and it is a realistic possibility to get in, but I must still apply.
Choice # 3 is UC Riverside, which is still on the easy side but there is still a big chance I won't get in.
Notice that all these schools are not around here? Well, the reason is, I want to get out of here. I really can't stand to stay here in Daly City, in San Francisco any longer. I'm actually tired of it; being surrounded by the same family, the same friends, and the same people. I need a change of pace; a change of scenery; a change of life.
I love everyone here I have met and become friends with and my family for putting up with me but I need to see and experience the world on my own for myself away from here, away from my norm. For those who think that I am leaving because I don't enjoy your company, its not completely true. I have really enjoyed getting to know everyone, especially such a close knit group of friends like the guys I hang with on friday, but one thing that's been bothering me more and more is that when we do get together, I feel as though I am the immature kid of the group. I feel that everyone has experience and knows more than I do and sometimes my voice drowns out of the conversation. In part, I need to go away because I need to find my voice, to find my knowledge, to find my experiences.
Rainier, I've always admired your writing skills as well as you deep thoughts and choices which you stick to.
Dave, you've got this ability to converse with just about anyone and just charm them and this courage to do what you want. You also have this heroic quality about you.
Winnie, you're so talented and you have such a great ability to see and produce humor. I really want to be able to write and think like you cuz you're awesome.
Ken, big guy with a big heart. You may not show it all the time, but its there. You have a gift for understanding so many things that I do not and with such clarity.
Jan, you've probably experienced so much more of the city and of life, perhaps two times more than that of me. Like you say yourself, you're too compassionate sometimes which is both a strength and a weakness.
Taylor, so well rounded in all aspects; like a jack of all trades. You aren't afraid to speak your mind or your opinions and even if they are wrong, you take it graciously.
Rene, ever since high school i've always thought you were so gifted. Not only do you work hard in academics, you work hard for your friends as well as your family. Even with all those things, you still manage to be so wonderful to your friends and be there for them when they need someone.
Elaine, you really are like a big sister to me. You are so bright but at the same time very modest. You have a no problems with being a little straightforward but you know you have to be mean sometimes because its tough love. I can tell you care a lot for your friends as well as your family.
Jennifer, so smart. I don't think I would ever be as studious and have all the information that you have in your head. Also, your patient with people and you listen. Such admirable qualities.
All of those qualities, all of those traits, are ones that I lack and that I need to build up. I look up to all of you, I really honestly do. I am hoping that once I am done looking for these things while I am away, I would be able to come back and deserve you all. I need to mature and am trying to start so now. Which is why I will be quitting WoW and will stop playing so many games. I will have to start focusing and reading more. In hopes that this is my last year here, I will try to be the best person I can be for my friends, to work and challenge myself with my car because I am actually debating selling it if everything pulls through, and to study hard.
Who knows if I'll get into any of those schools or even if i'll get out of this place or do any of the things I hope to do in this entry, but its a start. I do hope this entry will be seen in the future, when the time is right and I have gotten things together.
***
While I am leaving for Irvine tomorrow, it doesn't mean i'll be gone. I'll still be in the country and in the state. I'm either just a phone call, a car ride, and/or a vent server away. I will miss hanging with you guys but it's not like I won't come back.
|
|
|
[17 Sep 2007|01:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Descendents - I Won't Let Me |
] |
A few entries ago, I wrote about how difficult to really know indeed that you are doing something good for itself and not for any other reasons. While it may be a non-issue for some people, it's always in the back of my mind. However, today's shower insight led me to an interesting conclusion.
Whether you're doing a good because of itself or whether you do good because you expect a reward out of it, you still do good.
If you don't know whether you're volunteering to pick up trash at the park because you want to or because you want to feel good about yourself, you're still cleaning up the park and the
environment.
If you don't know whether you're volunteering to feed the homeless because you want to or because you get volunteer work experience for your resume, you're still feeding the hungry and helping the disadvantaged.
A good deed done is a good deed done. Whether you get something out of it or not, there's some good for the world.
|
|
|
[14 Sep 2007|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thirsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Kanye West feat. Chris Martin - Homecoming |
] |
It's pretty interesting how a night of sleep can change my mind so easily. In the beginning of the week, I was discussing with Cat about whether I should go to SLO to help her move in and we never really came to a conclusion as I didn't know if I could use the Civic. I sold the Corolla earlier in the week... crazy I know. Anyways, I was kind of irritated because it was a long drive and even if I could drive down with her, I wouldn't be able to spend time with her on the ride there, which I think is pretty important. I got frustrated and didn't want to deal with it Wednesday night so I went to sleep early.
I woke up and thought to myself, "She's leaving." and it just became clear to me. I bought a one-way ticket from Amtrak from SLO to SF, 2 transfers and an 8 hr ride back. I told her and we rode down to SLO together =). It's a positive that I get to spend time with her because I know we will be away from each other for a bit. Also, on the ride back, I would be able to have some quiet time afterwards as well as being able to experience what riding in a train like that feels. I have to say, it was a pretty interesting experience. I spoke to 3 different people on each of the ways there, all having somewhat interesting conversations. The girl I met from the train ride gave me the painting she was working on in the train before she left, which was pretty awesome. All in all, it was a cool experience.
I miss Cat.
( pics )
|
|
| away |
[06 Sep 2007|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cocoa barking at passerbyers |
] |
So I'll be gone till saturday because I have to go down to Irvine for a transfer orientation thing. Just thought i'd update seeing as my journal seems so barren.
Oh yeah, my computer went screwy and long story short, i pretty much bought most of the components for a new computer. I'm really excited about it because its looking like it will have much MUCH potential, lets just pray that this one doesn't blow.
|
|
|
[01 Jul 2007|01:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Katamari Damashii Soundtrack - Fugue #7777 |
] |
Erase erase erase. Type type type.
Emotions are weird in that they strike at you sometimes without knowing. The senses bring about familiarity of places, times, and people.
Yet these things which invoke emotions and memories are imperfect effects as they are not the direct cause of the original but rather imitations which connect "by a shorter chain of consequences than any of the things by which we learn the reality of [its] existence." - Hume
Aside from weird talk...
I bought a can of worms yesterday at a Korean market in San Jose. A can of silkworm pupa to be exact:
(note: I left them as links for the squeamish who would rather not see. But then again, it's a link and your curiosity will eventually get the best of you and you will eventually click the links... muahahahaha)
http://www.blogjam.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/tin2.jpg
http://www.blogjam.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/opentin.jpg
http://www.blogjam.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/palm.jpg
Those aren't my pics btw, just googled them up but it was the exact same can and everything. The smell is kindda bad and well... the taste was alright. It tastes like what you would expect it to be, a bug. I'm sure it would taste a lot better if it was pan fried or something. It was pretty fun though, being that I opened it at a family dinner. While everyone was kind of squeamish, almost everyone took one to try.
I think that if I was stuck in the wild with only this stuff for food, I wouldn't mind. But if I had the choice? Probably wouldn't have it again straight out of the can.
|
|
|
[14 Jun 2007|02:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jason Mraz - Clockwork |
] |
I need to be sleeping. Why am I awake? I just got out of bed after getting in not 5 minutes ago. I'm feeling jittery. Just going to free write a bit.
So, where do I see myself in 10 years? In 10 years, i'll be 32. Wow, thats pretty old. Ten whole years. What am I to do with my life? I don't know. Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don't know. Where do i see myself tomorrow? At work. What am I getting at? Ever have one of those moments where your heart swells and you got no one to tell? What did that previous question mean? Nothing really, or am I hiding something? Interesting if i so say so myself, in which I do. Theres so much to do, but yet nothing to do. I want to relax, but I need to read. What do people think of me? How will people think of me in the future? Why do I care what people think of me? Monkey suit? Teaching? Useless idiot? Will I ever change? What will happen if I change? Time is time and money is money. Money is not the root of all evil, the love of money is the root of all evil. Girls like guys with money. Girls like guys who are handsome. Guys who have money and are handsome have many girl admirers. I'm too old aren't I? I dont have good qualities. Some relationships last, some relationships dont, some relationships are complicated. Friends cant be lovers. Is there such thing as friendship between man and woman? Is the previous true when you're fucking your adopted daughter? Will I be dead in 10 years? What if it does happen, how do i repay my family for all they've done for me? But then again, the pressure is off, id no longer be the clan's namesake. But Id prefer life to non-life as I am biased in my decision. I am to go fishing. Lake, smallboat, friends, beers, awesomeness. I need to know more. I want to learn more. I hope i dont go insane. Don't read into things too much. Dont read into the bible too deeply. Fanaticism is scary. Fanaticism creates white trash communities. Fanatics are minorities. Minorites can become a majority. Can the country be run by crazy multiple wive-having ministers on crack? Higher debt? Solution would be heavy inflation? Supply and demand? Reduction of the united states dollar? Study abroad in china? learn cantonese and mandarin? eastern philosophy, knowledge without misleading info. Descision making. Uncle mike and auntie denise, how did they get together? am/wf but shes kindda bossy and choosy. why didnt they have kids? Am i technically white? non PC. Wow, im a fucking crazy man. gn'ite.
|
|
| Filial piety |
[11 Jun 2007|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
So my sister woke me up this morning at around 6am telling me to get dressed to go to my aunties house. She's the eldest of the sisters in my dad's family and she was diagnosed with terminal cancer about a year ago. She died this morning at about 3am, and our family went to my auntie's home to see her body as well her immediate family. She is survived by her husband, her two sons, her daughter, and her four grandchildren.
It's hard to see someone you know pass away and it's also hard to see those whom they've affected in their lives having a hard time dealing with such an issue. Its hard to see people in the family cry, especially in the Chinese culture where emotions are kept at a low. I cannot begin to understand how my father feels, or how his sisters and brother are feeling. Everyone in the family is sad because we remember her before she was diagnosed with cancer, how she was a typical Chinese woman, cheerful and loud at times, and what I'd always remember is her smile. Since she was diagnosed with cancer, I never did see that smile anymore. I can't imagine being part of her immediate family, all of them are fairly nice people, albeit some are a little timid, but they are good people. They took care of her, even as the cancer progressed and her condition got worse, they were there for her.
The last time I saw her was about three weeks ago. She looked frail as she had been the last couple of months and her ability to physically function was as weak as ever. She was like a infant, being taken care of like one by her helper and the rest of the family. It may sound wrong, but I never want such a thing to happen to me. It's a strong fear, but if this has taught me anything, it's that things happen. We are all mortal beings, we live here, then are sent back into the earth.
Many of us want to believe that there is some sort of afterlife, that perhaps, one day, we would meet again once our bodies are gone, where our souls can be together. It is this hope, I assume, that makes many people comforted at the thought of death. While there is no proof or evidence outside of faith, it is not outside the realm of possibilities. Arguments can be made for both parties who believe and who don't believe, but there is no true answer yet; rather, perhaps there is no yet at all. We mortals may never know, but perhaps that is why we have such thoughts. With such thoughts, we are shown our boundaries of what can be done and what cannot be; we are shown our human limits and weaknesses. Though it may sound deterministic, we remember that such could be a strategy, that by knowing where we stand, perhaps we can rise above, that perhaps we can be so much more than what we are.
My day has been pretty bummy and I think I'm getting sick, so that is opposite backwards unfun. I didn't get much sleep last night so perhaps I'll get some rest right now. As for my friends and lj-friends, take care of yourself as well as others. I might not say so enough but everyone I've met in my life has been important to me, some more than others, but nevertheless its made me, me. Thank you for being there for me, listening to my stupid banter, and putting up with me.
Johnny logging off.
|
|
| inevitable. |
[26 May 2007|02:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
listless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
John Legend - P.D.A. (We Just Don't Care) |
] |
Every time I type an entry, I have a constant debate regarding what content I should type about. I debate whether I feel up to it or not, whether it matters only to me or to anyone else, but most importantly, whether, it reveals too much or too little about me. The fact that this journal entry can be seen and read by not only by my friends but by others who have access to the internet make it a kind of... perversion.
Of course, not to say that it is bad to blog as blogging is a useful tool in expressing thoughts, feelings, and emotions as it is an outlet in situations where outlets are needed. It is my belief that when a person is pent up with things internally that they need to released to maintain both mental and physical health. While festering in depression and hate are good character development tools in television writing and books alike, we have to understand that we are human, and not just made up characters. Our emotions do not define our state of being or our identity, yet every once in a while, we get trapped into these pockets of self-doubt, personal hate and anguish. Perhaps this extends to the absurdity that I wrote about in the previous entry, that despite the fact we know our emotions do not define us, we continue to let it nag us and therefore the absurdity arises. While most of us want to believe that we can try to take care of our own problems and that our personal thoughts and feelings are private, perhaps that extends to why we have problems in society and why we show resentment and hate towards certain people. Perhaps our failure to communicate to others on our personal states builds a wall that pushes people away, when otherwise, they could tear down that wall and pave a path to something bigger.
But to get back into topic of why I think it's sort of a perversion is that you show yourself to the world, revealing all your weaknesses and leave yourself vulnerable. Personally, I constantly watch what I type to make sure not too much is revealed about how and who I am because I have created a defense for myself. I honestly think I am too weak and that my psyche cannot take any more hard knocks. I believe myself not to be a nice person and perhaps I am very negative, but such is how I am. You can take it or leave it. Then again, maybe that was too much information to be revealed. It's hard not to be hypocritical when debating such things, between theory and the actual.
I have no idea where I am going with this, but I figured this is what I wanted to type after erasing two attempted entries. Have to go to work now so, well, goodbye.
|
|
| not enough minerals... |
[25 May 2007|09:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jason Mraz - Life Is Wonderful |
] |
To start off with:
The absurdity of life as most people describe it is more of an irony. Criminals becoming politicians, good people being killed, gangsters getting rich; our inability to do anything about it results in what we believe to be absurd. However, this us not absurdity in the sense that it is just a situation. We know we can't do anything about it anyways, yet the truly absurd thing we do as humans is to continually nag ourself about these things despite the fact that we know we can do nothing about it. The situation can never be absurd as it is a material substance, while what goes on in our own minds is where absurdity lies.
Back to me:
Nothing much really. Finished the last final yesterday. Have to go to work in a bit, just making some toast right now(which is probably already done and getting cold). Don't know what to type or rather just don't want to type what I want to type, damn lethargic hands. Guess that's all for now. Signing off.
( Mr. Curiosity )
|
|
| messy looking entry |
[19 May 2007|03:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Ramones - Judy is a Punk |
] |
Just some simple ramblings today.
So yeah, i need to get a new job for the summer, and i'd especially appreciate one in the gaming industry like QA or something like that. No job experience but have knowledge of some c++, java, and how to debug... but then again, who doesn't?
I shouldnt really concern myself with this kindda stuff at this exact moment cuz of finals and stuff, plus im at work right now... typing... this sentence. Typity type type. Probably doesn't show how hard working I am huh?
Been feeling a bit funky lately. Not the disco funky nor the stinky funky, but just out of place kind of funky. Just have a lot on my mind it seems.
Sometimes, I stop myself from writing in the LJ because its just not PC or with popular social thoughts. I mean, I am ON a PC, but what i write may not be so PC sometimes... yeah... not funny.
Then again, the more i express my deep personal opinions on lj, the less of a self I become. I've explained this before, but seriously if you want to know me, ask me. I might lie to you, but alas, you tried. Then again, who really cares except I?
Starcraft II was announced. Download the FMV sequence, its pretty damn rad when you watch it full screen. Notes on that though: It seems the terran marine shown on the vid was a prisoner, not only obvious from the leg shackles, but I actually stopped the vid a couple of times to read the data on the computer. It says he's had a pretty bad criminal record and that he's a prisoner for life, only let out of cyrogenic stasis for combat. It leads me to believe that most of the marines must just be like this one in the Starcraft universe. It does make sense though, as I know I wouldn't volunteer to fight the Zerg. Then again, how about Jim Raynor? That guy is a fucking badass, then again, I never really liked the Vulture. Oh man, how about them siege tanks... oh yeah.... that takes me back... oh ... oh yeah. I can't wait to command those things again. The site shows some of the new Protoss units, which shows the they will no loner have Dragoons but Immortals? Interesting as they are a good defense against siege tanks... Also, their transports can provide power to some buildings... hmmm and they can use a gateway to teleport from one side to another gateway building elsewhere... can anyone say Zerg tactic?
Anyways, the biggest issue I might have is with the AI. It really needs to be boosted in terms of offensive and defensive. The protoss cannons need to stop bugging out and the medics need to heal more efficiently like in WCIII. The protoss battle cruisers' swarm need to learn to attack correctly. Story wise, i just hope they carry on some of the old elements (characters and plots) as well as resolving some issues they had at the end of broodwars.
A complaint I have about people buying items online: If you don't know how to use a computer, or you don't know how to use the internet, or you don't know how to read english, or all of the above, for the love of God... please don't buy anything online. Not only can you get scammed but you're pissing the sellers off as well as you believe the same kind of policy goes to buying online then in person.
Yes, you have the right to complain if your item isn't on time as estimated by tracking numbers by at least a day or two. What you shouldnt have a right to do is to ask why your item isn't there yet, especially when you ordered it on that day.
Yes, you have the right to inquire about a certain item you're buying on USebay. What would be nice is if you type in fucking ENGLISH. Also, grammer and correct spelling are plus. Know why? Because we don't want to believe you're a fucking idiot.
Yes, you can complain about an item being damaged and replacements for items not described... that is if the item really was damaged or not as described. PLEASE, READ THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION AS WELL AS WHAT IS INCLUDED. I think those people who buy the PS3 boxes on EBay for $400 are fucking hilarious. Why? Because those who buy it are fucking idiots who dont fucking read.
When a deal looks to good to pass up, it probably a scam or has reason to be so low. You get what you pay for essentially.
Oh right, there is such thing as a shipping cost. Do you think you item will magically be sent to you by Al Gore wearing a christmas hat?
Now, it is not for me to judge whether the scammers of the internet are wrong as I know well enough to stay away from them. Others who are internet or english or computer illiterate don't know better. Yet, it goes into a problem where these people cannot access a certain type of product available to them at what could be a less cost effective means. Is it fair that theu don't have an access to these resources?
Yes, i'm a mean person. But such is life.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
chun86's journal
